In January, 2003, I heard on the news that a young college - age girl by the name of Laci Miller was kidnapped and murdered in Ft Collins, Colorado. This event devastated me for days, then weeks, then...till the present time. It affected me so much that I can’t even describe the pain I felt inside. It was as if she were my own daughter. I kept struggling with what she went through the night her life was taken, and then I had a dream...
I saw Laci by a tree, with green leaves, by a river. She felt pain from what happened only for a moment, and then the presence of God surrounded her, and she was taken into eternity by angels. Her body was left behind. But deep inside her spirit there was turmoil from what happened. I saw the leaves of the tree being crushed together, and the paste was touched to her mind and her heart. She began to be healed. She had a total peace, and I saw that she was being taken care of.
Then I woke up, and I remembered the scripture from Revelation 22:2b, “...And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.” To me, this meant that God uses some sort of physical means to heal people after going through terrible things on the Earth. I remembered that there was an old method of treating wounds called a “poultice,” wherein leaves and other ingredients were mixed to promote the healing of wounds.
I kept having dreams after that of people who had lost a loved one, and were crying in the darkness, but had no one who cared, or they had simply isolated themselves. Because of what had happened to our family in years prior, I could understand how they felt.
My brother-in-law took his own life when he was only 22. His best friend found him. It rocked our family to the core. Instead of shopping for clothes or books for him to start his first year of college, we were shopping for a casket and a headstone.
The “Blue Ballerina” series is dedicated especially to those who have lost a loved one, but with the emphasis upon being taken from this world by an act of violence. This I cannot imagine - losing someone I love to a crime. When I see this on television shown as entertainment, I can’t watch. I can’t stand to see injustice, or to see people get hurt, even if it is fiction. I have never had the ability to say, “It’s just a movie; it’s just a show.”
I think it is because I have the ability to feel exactly as others do (at least momentarily) when they are hurting. I certainly don’t feel all the evil in the world; I would die if that were the case. But I have seen enough to be able to write poetry and stories that help others see themselves in a sort of “emotional mirror” so that they can begin to deal with what is happening to them.
You can’t “go around” grief; you must go through it, or healing comes to a stand still. Sometimes you can’t even say the person’s name that you lost. Sometimes, living is like my poem, “The Long Staircase” (see on the poems page).
I hope these pictures, stories, and poems help you to move forward, to deal with what is happening in a way that over time, you will be able to see a clear picture of where you are at understand more about what you are feeling. I hope that you remember what Jesus said: “God is not the God of the dead, but the God of the living,” and that you will ask Jesus Christ to come into your life and carry the burdens that are too heavy for us to carry.